Web Nut List
Wednesday, 03 June 2009
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JESUS IS A TROLL
(also, Web Nut #008: LeadWorshipper82)
Question: What do 3 languages, 3 continents, about 40 authors, 1500 years, and 1 story have to do with each other?
Answer: In leadworshipper82's messed up way of thinking about things, the above is somehow proof that the Bible is divine.
Leadworshipper82 is troubled young man who works as a worship leader . . oh, wait, he doesn't? No, hardly. He seems to be a loner with a dead-end job and an ex-girlfriend that he can't stop thinking about. Now, this really isn't that unusual for a young man. The problem with poor old LW82 is that he's got all these religious ideas of how the world is supposed to be that keeps him from just moving on with his life. He's so wrapped up in what he is supposed to do, what God wants him to do, that he can't just get on with his freaking life. Even though he's single, he loves telling married women how to act: wives in order to get a lil sumsum from your husbands, be visually generous to him... let him see you... lights are on... doors are open when you're bathing or changing...
(no, that's not creepy at all for a single guy to be saying to a married woman).Every other post is about women or marriage. Without even realizing it, this guy is obsessed with sex. Listen to this: "I need to get married. I need to love a woman. I need a wife. I need to die for my wife daily." Or how about this: "I really don't care WHAT God tells me to do... Whatever it is... I just wanna do it." He's stuck in his pathetic world of obsessing over past dreams, instead of making new ones, because he keeps expecting God to talk to him. He really wants to hear from God, and I believe he is telling the truth when he says he would do WHATEVER God told him (which is scary). So if He wants to hear from God, and not hearing from God is driving him crazy and keeping him obsessed with his ex-girlfriend, there's only one answer:
JESUS IS TROLLING HIM.
That's right. Jesus got him all in a fluster and then bugged out. Its not the first time Jesus has done this. Jesus is like the original ultimate troll. Don't believe me? Well, check this out. I hacked into God's computer a while back (turns out his password is "GOD" which is a little ego-centric if you ask me) and found this old ICQ file. For those of you who don't know, ICQ is the instant messaging programming that people used to use like 2000 years ago, so you know its really old. And I found the following, which hopefully people like LW82 will read and realize that NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE THEM.
YHWH: Im bored. we need to raid somebody
AnonymousJesus: Earth?
YHWH: Those fags? We already did that.
AnonymousJesus: When?
YHWH: Dude, long before you showed up. It was epic. I was all like "If you start a country, I'll protect you from your enemies." Total fieldofdreams bullshit.
AnonymousJesus: And they bought it?
YHWH: Those stupid jews will believe anything. So then they were all complaining about why i wasnt showing up to their shit anymore and i was losing interest so i was all like "cuz you messed up, bro."
AnonymousJesus: So they dropped it.
YHWH: No, man. they totally just tried harder. They were all like "we'll do better!" but they were too gay for me so I was like fuck it, let babylon have them. I still get prayers from them. They don't realize it was a joke.
AnonymousJesus: Man, that's awesome. We so need to get them again. But like the whole world this time. Something that will screw up their planet 4evr. like start a new religion.
YHWH: Another one?
AnonymousJesus: Yeah, totally mess with their heads. Be all like "that other stuff I said, that was cool and all for then and you still gotta follow it, but you also gotta believe this other stuff that goes against all that shit."
YHWH: Like tell them to observe the sabbath but then get mad at them for observing the sabbath because there being legalistic or shit.
AnonymousJesus: Yeah!
YHWH: I dunno, man. Starting a religion is like a long term thing. I don't think I care that much. Plus I'm sick of humans. People really smell. Back when i cared, I drowned the whole place once just to fucking get them to take a bath.
AnonymousJesus: Dude, I'll go down there. I could be like your partner
YHWH: or how bout my son?
AnonymousJesus: Yes, awesome! I'll be all like "I'm YHWH's kid, so listen up." Oh my Gawd -- lets get Mary to be my mother.
YHWH: Leave her out of this, dude. she's 14.
AnonymousJesus: Come on. You know you've been looking for a way to bang that jailbait. Here you go.
YHWH: Whatever. so you go down there and they all get frustrated cuz you say all these things that are like almost what I say but like impossible to do.
AnonymousJesus: Yeah, like I'll tell them I'm making things easier by showing them a good example, but then I'll be all like "leave your family or you're going to hell!" or like "not only don't kill anyone, but don't even get mad at them."
YHWH: Or don't even think about sex ROFL
AnonymousJesus: Totally! I will totally be like not only don't have sex with hot chicks, don't even think about it. LOL But suddenly we should like say having sex with guys is cool.
YHWH: Nah, just don't say anything about gays at all. That'll leave them confused for centuries.
AnonymousJesus: That's cool. This is awesome. And then at the end I should totally DIE!
YHWH: hahaha wtf?
AnonymousJesus: Dude, think about it. I'll build like a personal army and I'll be all hinting that we're gonna attack the romans, and then I'll let myself get captured and killed. They will all be like "what the hell just happened?"
YHWH: you do that and they'll know they got trolled.
AnonymousJesus: Maybe, but they wont admit it.
YHWH: you should come back as a zombie like 3 days later.
AnonymousJesus: Totally. A fucking FLYING zombie. With like holes in my hands and stuff.
YHWH: Yeah, that could be cool. The whole time you are there you should be all like "god is watching over me" and then the last second before you die shout something like "oops, God's gone!"
AnonymousJesus: Then I'll just hang out in hell for a while. Everyone will think I'm gone for good till I come back and be all like "now go tell everyone about how win I am!"
YHWH: Yeah, I guess that's cool. You do that but I'm still sick of the place. I'm gonna go see what Xenu's doing.
AnonymousJesus: You'll see, man. This'll be total win. This'll still be messing with their heads in a thousand fucking years. you'll see.
We need to share this message. We need to preach it from the rooftops. These poor victims need to know they've been massively trolled!
Tuesday, 02 June 2009
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Web Nut #007: lealtad
Beloved brothers good morning,
Once again, I praise the name of God for giving me this opportunity to share another message with you and I wish your time to read it can be well rewarded. The Lord has blessed us abundantly with a multitude of nuts from the Christian faith, not least among them Ronold Cadet, who graces revelife.com each morning with a message of faith and obedience under the name "lealtad." That's right, brethen, EACH MORNING this man seeks the face of our mighty savior until he entices Jehovah to send forth a message from heaven to lealtad's ears and then unto us, the fortunate. Lealtad is never dissuaded by the lack of response to his daily sermons, because he knows his reward is in heaven. Whether he is speaking of the evil of masturbation or why Jehovah is a better name for God than YHWH (who cares), he is convinced that the faithful must preach the lost: So this weekend, I’m challenging you to start preaching high figure, anyone you can reach, start from your parents to your neighbors . . . Some of us only see others are not saved, but we don’t preach them. Brothers, you can’t expect others to be saved, if you don’t preach them." (not preach to them, preach them!)
How does Lealtad convince God to send him new inspiration every 24 hours like clockwork? Surely, he must be very close to God. So close that God cis probably sick of the guy and keeps feeding him this generic shit just to keep him at bay for another day.
Uh, sorry, I mean: Glory to God in the highest for his abundant blessings in the form of lealtad, that most tasty of assorted nuts. For lo, not content to merely have one blog, Ronold also blesses with a website full of prophecies, daily messages, and a Christian FAQ!
His FAQ contains such pearls of wisdom such as: Christians should "Not participate in things in the World such as: Chrismas, Valentine day, Mother´s day, Discos" (oh, Christians going to "Discos" is a real big problem these days?); If you don't go to Church you are not a real Christian (um, whatever happened to "if you believe in your heart and confess with your mouth?); and "a Christian can not be religious, those who become Christians are not here to judge others" (because telling people they are going to hell because they like to Disco Duck isn't judging them?). My favorite question in this section is "What about changing Church in case of irregularity?" which I'm pretty sure is the first line of a mylanta commercial.
His prophecy section, which begins with a warning that you can't really understand these things unless you get it straight from God (so why bother telling anyone?) is mostly about the NWO, which sounds like a rap group but is supposedly this big evil conspiracy to bring -- and this is insidious -- "a single law, where according to the big leaders, each person would achieve peace, freedom and perfection."
O GOD NO! NOT PEACE, FREEDOM AND PERFECTION! Supposedly this is really bad because its a sin to try to achieve these things without God, which if you think about it really puts doctors, diplomats, and the writers of the constitution in a really bad place. I guess we are just supposed to preach about peace but call someone the antichrist if they actually do anything about it?
My favorite line here is "Now, as soon as that world definitely unite together in one (probably after a big war between USA vs IRAN) the final Anti-Christ chief in command, will execute the plan New World Order for they will put the world into a big mess." I wonder if "a big mess" are the exact words God used when he told Ronold all of this. The thing is, if you replace Iran with Iraq and before that the USSR, and before that Germany, people have been giving these kind of prophecies for a century. This current version is even a rip-off of Pat Robertson's book entitled -- big surprise -- "THE NEW WORLD ORDER." So Ronold isn't even original in his delusions, oops I mean prophecies.
Here's the really sad thing: I have acquired evidence to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that christianity is not what people think it is. This is very dangerous stuff and I will only share it when I feel that the world is ready for it. It will shake up the religious world like the last few almonds in a once-full can. When this evidence hits, no one will be safe. Will your faith be able to survive then, Ronold? Or will you choose the tempting allure of porn, isolation, and you-tube stardom like the nuts before you? We will see. Oh yes, we will see. . .
I just ignored this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
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